...there really WAS an Environment Court....
Bailiff (yours truly): Oyer, Oyer, Oyer, Environment Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Dracon presiding.
(Judge enters from chambers, wearing the usual black robes)
Bailiff: The parties to today's proceedings are present, together with their attorneys.
Judge: Today is the time set for Preliminary Motions in the case of Village of The Damned versus Al Gore. In previous hearings, Mr. Gore was bound over for trial on charges of Grand Larceny and Impersonating a Deity. Mr. Gore has waived his right to jury trial, and as I noticed, also waived his right to counsel. He will be proceeding Pro Per. The Village of The Damned is represented by Dudley DuRight, City Attorney.
Judge: Just for the Court's continuing education, just where in Hell IS the Village of The Damned?
(Laughter)
Counsel DuRight: Your Honor, the Village of The Damned sits on the Idaho/Oregon border, near the northeast corner of Oregon.
Judge: I've fished out there. So the Village of The Damned is in Hell's Canyon?
Counsel DuRight: Yes, your Honor.
Judge: You may proceed, Counsel
Counsel DuRight: Thank you, your Honor, and if it may please the court, I'll waive plaintiff's statement and allow Mr. Gore to proceed.
Al Gore: (Rising to address the Court) Your Honor, Defendant objects to the jurisdiction as well as the charges and specifications this Court has handed me. On the main charge, Grand Larceny, I should be tried in either State or Federal Court, depending on the the allegations of the Complaint, and I can't even find a reference to the second charge of Impersonating a Deity in any penal code. I have prepared a Motion to Dismiss based on these arguments.
Judge: Counsel?
Counsel DuRight: Your Honor, how quickly Defendant forgets his history. Two years after Defendant won the Nobel Prize for defending the environment, Environment Court was established as the first order of business for the then-new Obama Administration. Certainly Defendant remembers his own stirring speech before the United Nations General Assembly where he declared that every citizen on the planet was responsible for the environment, and that such responsibility required enforcement? He was immediately followed by President-Elect Obama's address declaring that even the United States Constitution would be secondary to the jurisdiction of this Environment Court.
Al Gore: Defendant recognizes the events Plaintiff's Counsel refers to, but I fail to see any logic behind this Court seizing jurisdiction from a lower court, and especially I fail to see how this court has authority to invent new law.
Judge: Bailiff, will you take a position nearer to Defendant's Table, the same position you would take if this were a Custody Matter?
Bailiff: (completely fails to suppress a wide grin) Yes, your Honor.
Judge: Will the Defendant please rise? (Al Gore stands). Mr. Gore, you have the temerity to make a slur upon the integrity of this Court, and now it's time for some Draconian Justice. You say this Court "invented" new law? Mr. Gore, you have failed again to remember your own screed. You've written and spoken many times that we are killing the planet, and you yourself invented so-called "science" to attempt to prove it. The planet is not dying, Mr. Gore, in fact it is not even heating up any more, it is cooling down. How else would you explain Heavy Snow warnings in the Cascade Mountains in the second week in June, or the record snowpack in those same mountains, a snowpack which might not completely melt before the next snow season? How do you explain the recent satellite mappings of Earth's temperatures, all of which show cooling compared to the cherry-picked locations you cited in your book and movie? How do you explain the fact that the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration tolerated weather stations for years that failed to meet their own standards for accuracy of temperature observation?
Judge: I'll explain it for you, Mr. Gore. Two words. Pure invention. You invented "Global Warming Hysteria", and based on that form of pseudo-science, you have personally enriched yourself, and you have caused millions of people throughout the world to suffer a loss of income and lifestyle, the dollar totals of which may never be known. You only did that because you, yourself were convinced that you were a god, a messiah put on this Earth to return Earth to the conditions it was in before the advent of Man. You are NOT a god, Mr. Gore, you are a common thief, but because you have so warped and destroyed proper modes of Earth's stewardship, your crime rises to the level of genocide. It's not exactly genocide, but it accomplished the same thing.
Al Gore: Will the Court please hear me out?
Judge: No, this court has heard enough from you Mr. Gore. This court dismisses your motions, and finds, in summary judgment, that you have, indeed stolen countless billions of dollars from citizens all over this good Earth, and you have, indeed, impersonated a deity. Tomorrow, this court will impose sentence on you, Mr. Gore, but until then, you will be taken into custody. Mr. Bailiff, stand this man down. There will be no bail.
Bailiff: All rise. (Judge Dracon rises from the bench, signs two papers from the clerk, and leaves the courtroom).