Nom de guerre: Rivrdog

Humor, please

It's been an ugly week so far, so I decided to post some humor, something I haven't done in a while.

H/T to Major Stroh for this one.

The FBI, DEA and CIA all argue that they are the best law enforcement agency in the world, so to find out once and for all which of them really is they devise a competition.

They release a rabbit into a forest, and whichever agency finds it first will be declared the best.

The FBI goes first. After two weeks of interviewing plants and animals, the FBI concludes that no rabbit has ever existed.

The DEA goes next. After burning down half the forest and defoliating the rest, they also find no rabbit.

The CIA goes last, and after a few moments, agents drag out a badly beaten bear, screaming "Ok, Ok! Yes, I'm a rabbit!"

Yep, perfect timing. As some of the details of the FeeBee's work in the anthrax case leak out, I can certainly see the motivation for that joke...

I feel his culture shock

Buried within the vast panoply of information that is "MilBlogger OTY" John of Argghhh!'s blog, we DO find humor, and this is an outstanding example of it, from a deployed CW4 helo pilot who has been retreaded through all the wars since/including 'Nam. Yes, Virginia, there are GEEZERS fighting in OIF.

Gawd! My experiences with those of the fairer sex in combat were limited to: Visiting General's wives (as a company-grade officer, I was seen and NOT heard), the washer-women and hootch-cleaners in my quarters areas (collectively, they spoke about 3 words of English), and the go-go dancers who traveled with the bands that played at the O-Club. Of course, there were ladies of the night at the bathhouses and cat-houses, but we don't talk about those things here (much, although I remember doing one post on such gamboling last year).

The idea of having warriors of the fair sex fighting by my side never occurred to me, even though I had studied reports of women warriors in the USSR's Red Army, in the Israeli forces, and in the Maquis of the French Resistance.

They definitely are a fact of life now.

April Fool's Day

I'm abusing the category of "humor" quite badly here...

April Fool's Day, citizens. Well, ha-ha on all of you. You thought you had a Constitution, didn't you. April Fool!

Not funny? I'm SO sorry. Let me try again. Sportz, this time:

April Fool's Day, Oregon State University! You thought you had a men's basketball team, didn't you? Actually, they turned out to be a Bocci-Ball team wearing the wrong uniforms, playing on the wrong court, and, oh yes, playing the wrong game (2007/08 record: 0-18 Conference, 6-25 overall).

STILL not funny? I'm a Duck fan, so I'm NOT sorry this time. The Ducks did poorly enough themselves.

April Fool's Day, bloggers! You're probably blogging naked, as per your usual custom, soooooooooo.........what IS that column of fire ants doing under your blog-station desk? Just what ARE they headed for, anyway?

MADE YOU LOOK, didn't I? Go put your clothes on.

Political humor

Politics can make a bad situation worse, or better, depending on your viewpoint...

H/T to the EllTee, who, even though he's freezing his ass off in the Black Hills, somehow knows that we now have convertible top-down weather here in Oregon...

Old joke, still funny...

...and still raunchy.

H/T to the EllTee, again.

Hump Day humor

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love a drink."

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover because you're dead anyway."

Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it!"

Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer – no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."

Guy: "Cool!"

Satan: "What about Drugs?"

Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."

Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You gay?"

Guy: "No..."

Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

That's all, folks....

I like her style...

An older woman went to her doctor.

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.

"I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*

That's "Putting Your Affairs In Order"

H/T to Mad Ernie, one of the Chosin Few

OH.MY.GOD.

Google-search on "obscene garden gnomes" and select Image Search.

H/T to Kristopher.

New syndrome

 Electile Dysfunction: The inability to become aroused by any of the choices for President put forth by either of the parties in the 2008 election.

Dumb crooks of the New Year

...so far.

This pair obviously tried to learn a life lesson from the "Weekend at Bernie's" movie.

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UPDATE: 010807 2125 PDT: I spoke too soon, this guy was dumber.

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